Sunday, October 16, 2016

Week 18: That look.

It was supposed to be a great day. We hadn't seen our little sweet potato since she was 8 weeks old, when she was too small to see anything but an assurance that this was all real. (An assurance that looked more like a kidney bean at the time than a baby). 

The day was FINALLY here for our 18 week sonogram. We'd get to see her moving around and check all of her organs and see her little arms and legs. 

But, then. That look.  

It's the look a doctor gave me and my mom when they told us there wasn't anything more they could do for my dad. 

It's the look the hospice nurse gave us when they told us just to make my Papa comfortable.

It's the look my dad gave me when he told me my Uncle David took his own life. 

And it's the same look my doctor gave when she came into the sonogram room, after the sonogram tech was gone way too long. 

'There's no heartbeat.'

'She's only measuring 15 weeks.'

'You see this tissue here, it's what happens when, I hate to say it, but decay sets in.'

'I'm so, so, sorry.'

All these phrases, these horrific memories, keep bouncing around my head like something I watched in a movie, or something I read in a book that was so vividly written, I got sucked in and lost in it. 

But, how? I followed so many rules. We took the extra prenatal chromosome tests. I had no symptoms of a miscarriage. We made it all the way to nearly 19 weeks. And now? Is it something I did? Is it something I didn't do? 

And now, it's not just her heart that's broken, it's a trail of hearts. My heart. Her daddy's heart. Her grandparents' hearts. 

It just seems so unfair. 

Ironically, just last week, I was having a conversation with a coworker about life not being fair. And what age you come to realize that it's just not sometimes. He's trying to make his kids understand that, and it's tough. (Of course, we were talking about something stupid like overtime or comp days that seems utterly insignificant now, but hey. Two lessons for the price of one.) But it turns out, I'm still learning that tough lesson. 

But, I have quickly learned, as lonely as this feels, we are not alone. Within hours of our loss, I found out some of the people I'm closest to in the world have experienced this same loss. Some of them personally, some of them have parents with these stories, friends, or siblings. I would have never known. Miscarriage is not something people talk about. It took me one Google search to realize that. 

I have always been a big believer in fate and God's master plan. And, what I keep circling back around to, sometimes, there just aren't any answers to the questions you need answers to most. And that's where your reasoning has to let go and your faith has to pick up. 

So that's what I'm doing. I'm letting faith step in. I'm letting myself be sad for a while. I'm leaning on my friends and family and letting them help when they ask if we need help. 

And, most of all, I'm amazed at the power of love. How much love I could have for someone I never even met. How much love I could be blessed with coming from friends and family. 

And most of all, the love I couldn't even fully understand yet when I married my best friend. 

I'm reminded of that love about every five minutes during this grief process. 

I will never forget being in a puddle of tears in my doctor's office, about ten minutes after we got the news, looking at him, wondering how he could even look at me. Asking how he could ever look at me the same again after this? 

Austin looked at me and said, "I'm so in love with you. And we are going to get through this together. And we are only going to come through this stronger. The only outcome is me loving you even more."

It's the kind of love it takes to be the rock when I know he feels like going to pieces along with me. The kind of love it takes to never leave my side through a delivery neither of us ever dreamed we'd have to endure. 

And, now as we piece this broken puzzle back together, it's knowing how much love we will have to give when the time is right again to grow our family. Because we know this is not the end. It's just another new beginning. 


34 comments:

  1. So sorry for your loss. But you and your husband are in God's plans for bigger and better things to come. Keep your heart open for your new plan. Praying for you both.

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  2. Laura, I am so sorry! I hurt for you and your husband. May God be with you and comfort you.

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  3. I never held you - but I feel you
    You never spoke - but I hear you
    I never knew you - but I love you

    We are so sorry for both of you, take care and God bless you all.
    Rafael

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  4. Awesome testimony. Thank you for sharing to your viewers. We love you and praying for you and your family. God has a plan for you trust him and He will not let you down. Sending bunches of Hugss

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  5. I know that feeling of loss oh so well. Sending up prayers for you both.

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  6. Laura and Austin,
    It's been years since I've seen you both. I hate that you are living this right now. Please know that you are being prayed for and lifted up by your friends and family. I pray that the Lord draws near you and you feel His presence and comfort. Right now you both may feel broken, but consider how He will rebuild you. Look up "kintsukuroi" and trust that there will be gold in your future.

    DLAM / FTKA

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  7. So sorry for your loss, and it is a true loss...maybe even harder than losing someone who had a chance to live...I speak to you as I still grieve for mine as well...God Bless you with the Peace that only He can give and the healing that only He can make within your heart...hugs

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  8. I am so sorry you already knew "the look". I experienced it the other way around, and 20 years later it did not make it any easier to accept the look in regards to my dad. I wasn't any more prepared because 20 years earlier I learned to interpret the sonogram tech's face at a quiet screen. I too grew in my faith because I had to dive head first, as everything else seemed to crumble. You are blessed to have a spouse who is supporting you as yours is.

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  9. Sending prayers for your family, because words can't begin to be enough. I hurt for you & Austin & your parents. And no folks don't talk about miscarriage, but we really should! Maybe it would help others who have to go through this living hell. I also am a mom who lost a baby to miscarriage. Just know that your family (& fans) love you...

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  10. Sending prayers for your family, because words can't begin to be enough. I hurt for you & Austin & your parents. And no folks don't talk about miscarriage, but we really should! Maybe it would help others who have to go through this living hell. I also am a mom who lost a baby to miscarriage. Just know that your family (& fans) love you...

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  11. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I can't imagine you and your husbands pain. I will keep you both in my prayers. I do believe that God has a perpose for all he does and this was just not the time for your family to grow but your time will come. I wish nothing but joy and happiness for you and your family. <3

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  12. I am so sorry, Laura. Prayers for you and you family as you go through this tough time. God bless all of you.

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  13. Being a man, I don't know exactly how this feels, but I do know the feeling of loss. We lost 2. So my heart goes out to you and your husband. Prayers !!

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  14. So sorry. We will keep you all lifted in prayer.

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  15. Wow so sorry for your loss. I really can't imagine how yall feel but it's all in GOD'S hands he will truely bless yall with another pride and joy. But everyone says things happen for a reason but the answers why we will never get. But I will pray for you and your husband and for a fully recovery. But never blame yourself it's nothing that we do or say what could I have done to make it better don't beat yourself up about it I know it's very hard but soon yall will be happy again. ��

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  16. Sorry to hear about your loss, praying for you and your family.

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  17. I want to say I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. She will always remain apart of your heart and I know it hurts beyond words right now the pain will ease. I lost a baby girl,then was blessed with my son(my rainbow baby). I got pregnant again with a set of twin girls and lost both of them,(I was blessed with another rainbow baby,my lil girl). I questioned everything and even got mad,but God told me it was in HIS timing and to trust HIM. I was diagnosed with Factor5 which can cause pregnancy loss if you're not taking a blood thinner everyday. I'm praying for you and your family... God loves you!

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  18. I want to say I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. She will always remain apart of your heart and I know it hurts beyond words right now the pain will ease. I lost a baby girl,then was blessed with my son(my rainbow baby). I got pregnant again with a set of twin girls and lost both of them,(I was blessed with another rainbow baby,my lil girl). I questioned everything and even got mad,but God told me it was in HIS timing and to trust HIM. I was diagnosed with Factor5 which can cause pregnancy loss if you're not taking a blood thinner everyday. I'm praying for you and your family... God loves you!

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  19. Only people who have been through this situation can fully realize what it is like .. I know, I was there 5 times (4 quite early and the last at 21 weeks). Talking and sharing your feelings and how heartbroken you are makes it better. I may be 73, but I remember it all like yesterday..including "the look". I am happy to say that I am so very blessed though because I have two wonderful, healthy, precious adult sons and a husband who loves me. I send you prayers for comfort now and for the joy of your future babies.

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  20. Bridgett D. KendrickOctober 17, 2016 at 8:12 AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm in tears as I read this, because it brings back memories of that dreadful day in January 1995, I got the exact same news at 15 weeks. It's a pain that can't be explained to anyone who haven't experienced the same loss. But I know & I understand your loss very well and as time go on the pain will lessen a little, but you will never forget that child that was a part of you. It's been 21 yrs for me, so I remember my child by trying to tell others about my loss, because I had no one to understand. I joined a group at the then St. Joseph Hospital "Empty Arms" that help me heal and I'm forever bless to have that outlet during that difficult time. God has a plan for you & your husband when the time is right for you. My husband & I went through our loss and we were blessed to have a healthy, happy baby girl October 1996. My prayers are with you during this time. More blessings to come.

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  21. I am so sorry for your loss! Will be praying for strength in the coming days!

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  22. Laura and Austin,
    I am so deeply sorry for your loss. you all have been on my mind and heart since I met you last week. You two are some of the sweetest people I've ever cared for and I know your love for each other will get you through this and I'm sure you are surrounded by family and friends who love you just as much. I know you will have good days and bad days but find comfort in the fact that our God is the ultimate comforter and He will be our strength when we feel like we can't go on. Thank you for the delicious cookies, so sweet of you to think of us when you are going through such a time. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you. We will continue to think of y'all and pray for you.
    Erin VanNus

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  23. Blanche Burnette HoodOctober 17, 2016 at 1:56 PM

    We are so very sorry for your loss. Ken and I went through it when I was 25 weeks April 19th, 1982, our sweet baby Marc was still born, he had a heart defect. Ken and I were young, married just 10 months and I felt such guilt, did I eat something wrong, did I do something wrong, Ken blamed himself because we were intimate a few days before, his mother blamed me for the death of her grandchild, through all this guilt it would have been so easy to just give up but we held onto each other, gave our trust to God, prayed that one day we would understand why. now we have 3 grown children, 2 married, 1 at home, 2 precious grandchildren and I felt such a peace come over me when I saw our Grandson William born almost like God was saying this is why Marc came back to Heaven. Because we only wanted 3 children and as hard as all my pregnancies were we would not have had our youngest if we had Marc, so we wouldn't have William or now his sister Emily and I firmly believe that God has big plans for them. I pray that you, Austin and your family/friends can take comfort in knowing that your sweet potato is in Heaven sitting with God and will always be with you in your heart. I know this is long and I"m sorry again for your loss. if you ever need someone to talk to who has been where you are, please message me on FB.

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  24. so sorry for your loss, will continue to pray

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  25. Laura I know your pain as well. I was 12 weeks when I found out my little bean was gone 2 weeks prior. I saw my little bean but didn't hear a heartbeat .i thought that the nurse had the sound turned down on the machine but she ran out the room to go get the doctor. I looked at my boyfriend and didn't realize the big upset was on the way. We got through it and a year to that date I found out I was pregnant again. So you be strong and keep the faith. I know you'll make an excellent mother.

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  26. So sorry for your loss may God continue to bless you and your husband during this difficult time trust me this is not easy l have been through this also so l understand.

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  27. I had the same thing happen with my first pregnancy, going to the appointment to hear the heartbeat and nothing. I saw my baby on he screen but it was too little to tell the gender. I was totally devastated and couldn't understand it. But God blessed with me with two beautiful daughters after. I think about my angel baby all the time, it's been 20 years since it happened. God be with you and your family through this hard time. like Richard said, y'all will be great parents one day. ������������

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  28. So sorry to hear the news of the loss of your little girl. God will take care of her and watch over her, as he is you and your husband. Keep the faith.

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  29. I had the same thing happen to me with my first pregnancy. We went to the dr appt to hear the heartbeat and nothing. I saw my little baby on the screen but it was too little to tell the gender. I was totally devastated and didn't understand why. God blessed me with two beautiful daughters after. I think about my angel baby often, it's been 20 years now. My prayers go out to you and your family through this hard time. Like Richard said, y'all will be great parents one day!! πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»

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  30. As I read the above posts in the back of my mind I was trying to come up with a way to be kind and yet share my story. I was 19 years old in 1968 and 5 1/2 month along. The first time my husband work midnights, on a Friday night I kept waking up every 20 minutes. In the morning I was withering in pain. My husband rushed me to the hospital and Valerie was born weighing under a pound. She was a fighter and survived for two days. Every November I remember and wonder how old she would be now. I have a daughter now. But I will always rember Valerie. Do take care and turn to each other.

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss. I saw the newscast yesterday when you shared your story. Many families will be helped through this painful, but helpful, sharing. Blessings to you and your family at this time.

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  32. Hello Laura! I'm writing from France (born and raised πŸ—Ό) I read about this horrible woman who told you these things about your outfit on television. You know she is so wrong! Go on and be proud of your forms and your belly. You are a beautiful pregnant woman. Go on like this! You have the right to show you and your baby. You have my full support 😊
    Γ‰milie, mom of two beautiful boys of 5 and 3

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  33. OMG, just listened to that old biggot's phone call. It's a good thing you understand her age and bigotry, it's deeply rooted in ignorance. Anyway, you look so beautiful and I loved your red dress! I'm 50 years old now and my daughter is 22yrs old and I remember being a trailblazer and refusing to wear those huge granny pregnancy underwear and opting for a g-string throughout my whole pregnancy. I loved being pregnant and loved the transformation of my body. You are so blessed to wear your pregnancy before so many viewers that get to share in your growing blessing; so beautiful!

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  34. Hi Lauren, I saw you story about what that one viewer said about your maternity clothes. She has to be an older viewer that is from when women would have to hide the fact that they were pregnant. I applaud you for showing the beauty of becoming a mother! I wish that when I was pregnant with both of my kids, that it was fashionable to wear clothing that shows this, instead of wearing tents and clothing that had so much material it made summer pregnancies even more unbearable with hot humid weather. I never understand why women had to hide their pregnant bellies for so long. You look great!

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