Week 4: Bug on a windshield

I want to shout this and whisper it at the exact same time.....we're pregnant! 

So, I'm basically doing this strange dance of being so grateful and thankful and excited, while at the same time, trying to convince myself it's no big deal. 

The best comparison I have is a really bad, soul crushing break up. Then, a little time goes by, and you get up the courage to have a crush on someone else, but you're terrified to fall in love again for fear of getting crushed like a bug on a windshield. 

Meet me. The bug. 

It's been a while since I wrote a blog post. And, a good bit has happened. For one, we got test results back that told me I have a pretty common gene mutation called MTHFR (yeah, that's exactly what I said when I heard about it...with a few more vowels.) (Some estimates say 40-60% of the population may have it). If I went into the science of it, your eyes would surely glaze over. Because mine have. Several times. 

But in lay man's terms, it means my body can't process folic acid properly. So, even though I was taking it every day, my baby was getting very little, if any of it. 

So the good news, we have a thing that I can point to and say, okay. We can fix this. I just take a prenatal vitamin with the form of folic acid that's already broken down and a couple of folic acid supplements a day, and voila! 

Now, my doctor can't point to this and say 100% this is what caused me to have such a late miscarriage. But, it's a strong possibility, and also helps my sanity to have something to *fix*, to do differently than the last time. 

​One thing I hate, is the innocence is gone for me. The innocence of that first pregnancy, the hope that everything will be alright...that's gone. And in it's place is a lot of prayers, an abundance of caution, and a constant tennis match of logic going on in my head. 

And, I do not like 'worry-wart' Laura. I much prefer care-free, spontaneous, kick your shoes off Laura. 

A day or two after we got the first positive pregnancy test, Austin was asking me how I was feeling. I responded honestly...excited, but trying not to be too excited quite yet. He  was like, well, I totally get that. But, are you going to not be excited until after first trimester? But we made it past that the last time....so 18 weeks? Until the baby is born? Then for the rest of its life, because something bad could always happen? 

And $h!t! He's right. He's so right. And not just about this baby, but about anything in life. Something bad could always happen. But, waiting on the other shoe to drop isn't any way to live a life. So, I guess I'm just going to go all in. 

I'm not going to make any hard and fast rules, because I know some days I'm going to be as nervous as my Meme in a thunderstorm, and look up every terrible scenario ever typed into the Google search bar. But, I'm excited. And, I'M PREGNANT!!! I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow or 6 months from now or 10 years down the road, but life is too short to just dip a toe in the water.